Extreme Discontent

So I'm obviously not a very good blogger. Over 3 weeks since my last post. Probably anyone who was reading has stopped. That's cool. This may be the post that I would least like to have anyone read.

I'm staring at my to-do list today and I just feel lost. Not that it's exceptionally long...I kept it short on purpose so that I could take my day off tomorrow. I'm staring at a to-do list that contains nothing that will change anyone's life.

Although I've begun to dabble in graphic design (which I enjoy) its just a creative outlet for me. I enjoy the compliments to a degree, but overall it has just become one more thing that must be done. Cue sheets, posters, mediashout, postcards... they're all very cool and possibly even necessary, but necessary for what? Whose life will be changed by the cool graphics that I make to accompany my pastor's sermon? What difference will a poster advertising the current series make? Who will experience God better because I've spent time making them. Is there something else I should be doing that has more eternal significance than a flow sheet?

I read Perry Noble's blog and Dave Ferguson's... I read Mark Batterson's and they're all writing with passion about what they're involved in--be it sermon series or their kids basketball team. Maybe it's a bad day, but I'm just not passionate about postcards! Why should I spend hours working on what produces no benefit?

Am I crazy? Am I missing the big picture? I'm sure that someone would tell me that every little thing we do matters and I know full well that whatever I do I should do it with all my heart because I'm working for the Lord, not for men. But maybe that just means that I should avoid things that I can't put my heart into. Someone help me understand what my reaction to all of this should be.

I feel like I'm a stallion that has been put into a hamster's cage, pointed at the wheel and told to spin it. There's got to be something bigger that I can sink my teeth into. There has to be something to invest my time and resources and passion into that will produce a bigger return than making cue sheets.

More than anything else, I want to see people who are not connected with God meet Him and realize that He is the reason for existence that they've been hoping to find. I want to see people being swept up in the divine romance and begin walking and talking with God...living their lives in his presence. I want to see people who mindlessly and coldly struggle from day to the next transformed into Lion Chasers, people whose lives are a daily adventure with God as their expedition leader. I want to see people who are hurt and broken and being trampled by the world, restored to health and vibrancy and filled with passion.

As I read what I've written, I'm acutely aware that the thing I'm wanting to stir up in others is what I feel I'm lacking today as I look at my menial to-do list. I don't know what all of this means, quite honestly.

But I do know that I'm far from content. I know there's more!